Heavy Heart

An entry on how I’ve been looking forward to one simple thing for over 6 months and now got cold feet about…

The “Bottom 4”

It must be 2019. I scored a 3-month free Kayo membership and decided to watch State of Origin (ad free) with my flatmates. They knew the rules, I knew nothing, but I loved the production value of NRL.

Must be around the same time, when I rediscovered going out alone and enjoying myself. This one pub I used to go to, Royal Exchange Hotel. Grab a schooner (or a jug) and get to the beer garden. Drink, get warm with the heaters, watch football, be your “own man again”.

The “Finals Hopes”

Next season was even better as I was set on Wests Tigers completely. Same pub. Sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, sometimes with dates (or before the date’s arrival)… It was growing on me. Then, the season ended and I moved out far from that pub.

The “Decline”

2021 was nothing short of awkward thanks to “delta” and having lost Tank. I wasn’t feeling “keen” on anything, to be honest. Depression, living alone, Roaccutane’s mental side effects, quitting drinking and smoking completely… All combined, I’d usually find myself staring at the ceiling, rather than a screen.

When it was all over, the season was over as well. Though, I’d have noticed how lovely the Leichardt Oval looked and regret not attending a single game.

The “Wooden Spoon”

Now 2022 was when I “popped my cherry”. Became a club member, got “dragged” into the “Jungle” (digital only), and life was good as pubs were open again and I had no restraints about my drinking.

I had Tony with me. I was finally bouncing back as Roaccutane treatment was over. Lockdown was over. My mental health was getting back to a better spot even though, we were 0–5.

I will never forget the Easter Monday win against Eels. (Easter is my most favourite public holiday as it’s always on set days of the week.)

Next round was on a Saturday. I had no plans. I had no expectations. I just wanted to go to “that pub” and watch the game. Yet, I was to meet someone. For the first time. I did a quick math: as it was to be a first date.

It will never take more than two hours. She’s way out of my league, hence she absolutely will feel unimpressed and leave after a few drinks anyways. Besides, she’s too good looking to have no actual plans for a Saturday night. And after I wait with her for the UBER’s arrival, I can go to the pub and watch the “mighty Tigers”.

Well, “life is what happens when you are making plans”.

“Ehm, I thought you’d be gone by now and I’d watch Wests Tigers at the pub. Do you like footy?”
“Never got into it. But happy to watch it with you. Can we buy a deck and smoke at the pub as well?”

Went to the pub. Most men would go above and beyond and order proper food. Since I’m a cheapskate who was semi-sure that this wouldn’t last long anyways, I ordered chips. Neither of us could finish it. Then drinks, drinks, drinks… She’d feel tired, I’d order an espresso martini for her. The game was over. We won with a field goal by Luke Brooks. The deck was done, as well. I’d walk her to the train station and wait with her until she onboarded.

Then, “goodbye”.

Weeks followed each other. It was time for my first game at Leichardt Oval and she was keen to go with me (another surprise of sheer brilliance). An amazing win, against Bulldogs.

Life wasn’t good anymore. It was, better, in all aspects. It felt like spring, every day. You know what they say about people in love… “Rose tinted glasses”. My glasses never had a rose tint. It had a “sunny day” filter instead. Because day or night, it was always feeling like a gorgeous, sunny, spring day. Coming from a hometown that sees 40 degrees tops and 15 degrees minimum, my god has always been the sun.

Another one we went together, against Eels. Terrible performance. We lost.

Last game at Leichardt was the final round. We already had the wooden spoon. Hence we decided to watch it at home. Worst season of Wests Tigers was finally over.

Lots happened since September. Tigers had a great recruitment phase and there’s only four hours left till the first game of the season.

Yet, I am not pumped. I found it hard to even get out of bed today. Going there on my own, not having her by my side to talk to, not having her by my side to kiss after each try…

Not staring at the ceiling or a screen now.

It’s just me and my membership pass staring at each other and it’s winter everyday.

Shall they get you in another’s hands,

Shall they shoot me with them guns.

The paths of love for you,

Them bullets for my heart.

(I won’t leave the track’s link. Don’t try to Google it either as I translated the above bit from Turkish.)

Title Credit: You Am I

Header Credit: Studio Pizza (Unsplash)